Am I Bisexual Because of Sexual Abuse? No! by guest @BobbiLParish

The Destructive Forces of Sexual Abuse

Like every child, I came into this world craving the love and approval of my parents. I wanted nothing other than to attach to them, to feel safe and secure in their care. Unfortunately, my childhood was set aflame and burned to the ground by the destructive forces of sexual abuse, spiritual abuse and depression.

As hard as I tried to contort myself to meet the expectations of those I desperately wanted to love and approve of me, I was always deigned unworthy. The closest I came to feeling love were brief, burning bursts of approval when I was being sexually abused. Those encounters left me smoldering, in pain and starving for the smallest burning coals of affection and reassurance of my worth despite how much damage they caused.

Emerging from childhood, covered in ashes, I was determined to build an adult life that contained the love and approval I craved. Perfectionism and continued contortions to fit others’ expectations were my favorite tools. I didn’t have a clue what I wanted or who I was, only what others told me I should want and do. And so I did those things, with great determination.

Building A Life the “Right” Way

I got a Bachelor’s and Master’s Degree, married and had a son. I did all of the “right” things. It didn’t earn me the love and approval I sought. The smoldering pain of my childhood and my unmet need for affection and validation lit my adulthood on fire. Depression and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder consumed me and burned away my flesh to the bone.

I spent decades in and out of psychiatric wards, disabled and homeless. It took me years to find the right help; a trauma-informed hospital, therapist and psychiatrist who taught me how to both put out the flames and heal my burns. After years of hard work, I have not just soothed those burns, but finally figured out that I’m worthy, absent of anyone else’s love and approval except my own. I’m still scarred, but I’m not aflame anymore.

Finding My Joy!

Years of hard work healing gave way to building a life that I wanted to lead, that brought me joy. Finally, at age fifty, I have both a career I love and a family who loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want to be. This time, my partner is a woman – an incredible person who wants me to be my best, happy and healthy. Her daughters bring a light and love into my life that are as dear as my son’s love. Together, we have the kind of family that I finally know I always deserved.

And yet people now want to sit in judgement of me because I have built my family with a female partner, rather than a male one. Frankly, her gender is a moot point to me. It’s who she is in her heart and mind that floods me with love and gratitude that I have her in my life. But her gender certainly matters to others.

Like many non-heterosexual survivors, I’m repeatedly confronted with the myth that being sexually abused by a man as a child is the cause of my sexual orientation. So much discussion and even research has been dedicated to this topic. **I’ve summarized some of it below, in case you’re interested in reading it.**

Scientific Research on Bisexuality/Homosexuality and Sexual Abuse

Scientific research has come to no conclusions about the relationship between childhood sexual abuse and sexual orientation. Anecdotal evidence shows no link between the two. Personally, I know that my childhood abuse had no effect on who I am attracted to. It decimated my mental health, ability to attach, self-worth, sense of personal power and my hope for having a happy life.

But who taught me who to love and how to love? Me. I learned it on my own, with the help of some great therapists, through hard scrabble work along with trial and error. I, and I alone, am responsible for my capacity to love and who I chose to love. My childhood taught me pain, and that I deserved nothing but pain. I taught myself how to love and live.

My childhood gets no iota of credit for who I am today. That one is all on me!

**Research:

The Problem With The Belief that Childhood Sexual Abuse Causes Homosexuality/Bisexuality

The Myth that Boys Abused by Males Must Have Attracted the Abuse Because They Are Gay or They Become Gay as a Result

Am I Gay Because of the Abuse?

Can Being Sexually Abused Determine Sexual Abuse?

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