Sexual Harassment Story
I’m going to tell you a story. A story I’ve never told anyone before…
I got his text one night, late but not too late. I’m guessing this was somewhere around 2010 or so…
What are you doing, beautiful?
The tone surprised me, given that he was a mentor, not just some guy. People flirt in DM on social media. It’s not like I hadn’t had my share of silly conversations with men — but I was married. Unhappily, sure. But, still, I wasn’t the kind of girl to be sexting with some random guy — or even a guy I knew. I wasn’t quite sure what sexting was since I didn’t even sext with my ex-husband (maybe that was part of the problem). I definitely didn’t plan on sexting with a mentor.
Me: Oh, just working. Hangin’ with my family.
I can’t get you off my mind. Redheads get me going. Maybe you can get me off.
Oh, geez. What is it with men and redheads? Honestly. It’s a bizarre fetish, isn’t it?
Me: Listen, this feels really weird to me. You’re married. I’m married. We have a professional relationship. Have a good night.
And I figured, ya know, done. Maybe he’d been drinking or had a fight with his wife. Whatever. Shit happens.
And then: I want to {insert um, inappropriate sexual term here}
…and this went on for a few more cheesy porn paragraphs I won’t repeat. I froze. Total non-response. Tonic.
An acquaintance I was doing some work for at the time had put us in touch, thinking he could help me build my business. I didn’t know what to do: if I was too harsh with him, would he end my working relationship with her? Would that burn important bridges down the road? What had I done to bring this on?
What if what if what if?
All this nonsensical logic whirled through my mind in those few seconds it took to scan his sexual fantasies. I didn’t respond. My heart raced. What the fuck? How did I go from minor computer work to this new, unwanted reality so quickly?
My lack of response led him to gather I apparently had no interest, so he ended the conversation. I put my kids to bed and crawled into bed next to my snoring husband, crying myself to sleep.
Why Didn’t I Make Him Stop?
Imagine my surprise the next morning when I received long emails from both the acquaintance and his wife, firing me from the gig and accusing me of leading him on, respectively. I then received an hour-long ranting call from the acquaintance telling me I should have known better than to encourage him, that I should have cut him off because when a man comes on to you, it’s your responsibility to change the conversation, etc….placing all the blame for his behavior on me. She and the wife were good friends — didn’t I see how I was ruining their marriage?
Vulnerable, confused, I took this abuse from her as she screamed into the phone WHY DIDN’T YOU MAKE HIM STOP?
Inside this drama, I could not objectively comprehend the responsibility did not lie with me.
I mentally and emotionally went right back to being that eleven-year-old sexually abused little girl, who must somehow own the intentions of men.
He contacted me a few days later with an apology and to inform me that he needed to block me on all fronts ‘so he wouldn’t be tempted.’ (I wish I was making this up. I really do.) “Take responsibility, dude. Man up,” I told him. “I can’t. I’m sorry,” he responded with a bad soap opera line.
Sexual Harassment and Victim-Blaming
It’s easy to find some humor in the ridiculousness of this situation now, these many years later. At the time, however, I felt dizzy with nausea, triggered, anxious, and depressed. I felt angry at myself for allowing them to blame me for his behavior, and for not standing up for myself. I still kinda kick myself for that, though I’ll be #truthbomb honest with you: I had not written my Broken books yet where I discuss being a childhood sexual abuse survivor, I had not started my business yet, and I hadn’t had any conversations yet with my ex about the dissolution of our marriage (we divorced in 2015).
In other words, I had not yet begun any kind of healing or advocacy journey. I can see how clearly it simply did not occur to me to fight back. Though I didn’t feel I accepted responsibility for his behavior, it was obvious they all needed to blame someone, anyone, other than the person who did it.
And that right there is classic victim-blaming: “Anytime someone defaults to questioning what a victim could have done differently to prevent a crime, he or she is participating, to some degree, in the culture of victim-blaming.” (The Atlantic, August 2016).
Some even questioned whether this kind of action is ‘even sexual harassment at all.’ I asked that myself, as survivors of previous trauma tend to minimize what happens to them. “Does this count?’ or ‘Don’t make a big deal out of it,’ our common refrains, which is seriously fucked up. According to GoodTherapy.org, sexual abuse is defined as “any form of sexual violence, including rape, child molestation, incest, and similar forms of non-consensual sexual contact. Sexual harassment falls well within that definition.
I’m in a completely different place now, seven years later. I’ve written two books on my experiences as a childhood sexual abuse survivor with anxiety, depression, and PTSD. They’ve won awards and sold well; I have an agent and a contract. I also self-publish as well. I started #SexAbuseChat (every Tuesday since 2013, 6pm pst/9pm est on Twitter) with the amazing Bobbi Parish, who is a survivor and therapist. I’m actively involved in various survivor advocacy groups and projects. If you want to tell your story, go to SpeakOurStories. I’m writing Broken People now and researching my next series. I’m also writing business books.
The Way We Speak About Victims Needs to Change
I saw this language example in a TEDTalk recently and it really opened my eyes regarding my own advocacy as well as how we all view perpetrators and victims of abuse (I personally prefer the term ‘survivors’ but in this context, victims and victim-blaming are the known and accepted terminology).
“One of the biggest sources of victim blaming is the way we talk about it; language surrounding abuse and sexual assault immediately put our attention on the victim instead of the perpetrator.” ~ Julia Penelope
This is a demonstration developed by Julia Penelope and frequently used by Jackson Katz to show how language can be victim blaming:
- John beat Mary; This sentence is written in active voice. It is clear who is committing the violence.
- Mary was beaten by John; The sentence has been changed to passive voice, so Mary comes first.
- Mary was beaten; Notice that John is removed from the sentence completely.
- Mary is a battered woman; Being a battered woman is now part of Mary’s identity, and John is not a part of the statement.
As you can see, the focus has shifted entirely to Mary instead of John, encouraging the audience to focus on the victim’s actions instead of the perpetrator’s actions.
Our Long Healing Journey
These experiences don’t go away. Childhood sexual abuse, date rape/rape, sexual assault, emotional, financial, or verbal abuse, and yes, sexual harassment. We move past them until they rise up with a news story or a political candidate’s skeleton rattles. As a woman, survivor, and sexual being, I have often questioned why these things happen. Not necessarily, “Why me?” because I refuse to take that on.
What I mean is: we tell women on one hand to embrace their sexuality and beauty, and then slap them across the face if they do. How can we navigate this double standard? And how do we raise our young girls in this environment? (And yes, I know this happens to men, too. I’m not excluding men. In fact, I’m raising one myself. Here, I’m writing about my experience as a woman.)
I have no answers, though I will tell you that every voice matters, whether you name your abuser or tell your story publicly or privately or in a journal or even just sort it in your head — that may make zero sense to you if you’ve never experienced it, but a survivor knows and understands.
This is only one story of sexual harassment. I have others. I’m sure you do, too. Whatever your story, know that you’re not alone. All sexual abuse is bad, and it’s not a competition. You matter.
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Broken Pieces and Broken Places
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